2018 // A Year in Review

2018 was a challenging but such a blessed year.

Yes, to be honest, every year is challenging. But this year there has been so many memories, and so many lessons I’ve learned. I remember starting off this year in excitement, wanting to finish writing a book, getting a great score on the SAT, but you know what? I didn’t accomplish anything on my New Year resolution list. However, I gained so much more that I wouldn’t trade those with anything.

|| O THE MEMORIES

the nitty gritty that made this year special

Sophia’s birthday skiing trip
Hamilton and Dear Evan Hansen
Finishing junior year and starting my last year of high school
Chloe’s birthday party
Turning 17
Knight for a day
Three SAT trips to Korea
Spring youth camp
Meeting my TPS classmate--Daniel R. at camp
Family trip to Shanghai and Hangzhou
Families, friends, teachers, everyone in my life
Meeting up TPS China team
Xingtai camp
Preparing for VBS
Nana Ouyang’s birthday concert
Getting accepted as clay columnist and forum moderator
Meeting Sam in Korea
Fall youth camp and finally talking to my friend
Directing Christmas and Children Day's play
Friends coming to see my play
Movie afternoon on the day after Christmas
Tianjin trip with friends
And so much more...

|| THE WORDS

things I wrote in 2018

Sometimes - september/30/

Sometimes

i feel fatigue that

I don't want to do a thing

but to stare above into the ceiling.

Sometimes 

I want to mute out

all the noises that surround me

and turn on quietness that I need

but I can't sometimes 'cause

life still goes on none stop and 

it presses me to keep moving forward

where I've started falling backwards

Sometimes

I wonder 

if everything can just stop.

.....................................

Words- december/20

All the words that were never said
would it have changed my story
if I said it out loud
...
Will I be hated for all the words unsaid
.....................................

“Be careful, the roof is slightly steep. Come along, I’ll show you where we usually sit.” Natasha said as she swiftly walked toward the center of the rooftop. Ruthie followed her; they walked over the rooftop and came to the other side of the roof, which faced the streets. When Natasha stopped Ruthie noticed she was carrying a bag, she pulled out some blankets within and spread it on the roof, and motioned to Ruthie to sit down with her on the blanket.

“I prefer sitting on the roof without blankets,” said Bernard as he joined Ruthie. “But it’s always better to be cozy and warm in this weather.” He was carrying another bag with him where he had pillows and some other bags with him.

“Where did you guys get these? I don’t remember you guys carrying the bags up stairs…” Ruthie asked while cuddling a pillow.

“It’s under the bed in the attic, we keep them down there.” Natasha grabbed another pillow from Bernard. “By the way, Catrina and her squad never come up here, so it’s our small haven.”

As they laughed and chuckled on the rooftop, Ruthie’s eyes met Bernard’s. She smiled at him, and he smiled back.

- the tale of a piano

.....................................

“Would you mind giving the mirror to me for a second?” He asked.

I grabbed my purse that I leaned beside my long board and pulled my mirror out.

I chuckled, “This is already more than what I could ask for.”

He smiled and his green eyes glistened under the sunset, “Your know if you want to, I would touch the sky for you.”

- i see  you in colors

.....................................

Just like the stars - https://stellaerosae.blogspot.com/2018/03/just-like-stars.html
.....................................

I really want to read more books in this coming year, so if you guys have any book recommendations, please leave some comments down below!

|| THE SONGS

songs I've enjoyed in 2018

Here is a playlist with the songs I've enjoyed in 2018 in the order of discovery. 
So I have a really obscure taste in muisc...but well, that's a part of me. 

|| THE MUSINGS

what have I learned this year

These past twelve months, I’ve learned a lot. It has been quite a journey. There were frustration, joy, tears, laughter, but all of them have turned into memories and bittersweet lessons.

Trusting Him.

I feel like trusting God and having faith in Him is a never-ending challenge and journey in our life, while it sounds so simple we often struggle so much with it.

This year there had been so many times where I had to simply trust in God, my emotions, my test results, my friendships, and my anxieties. It sounded daunting to trust things fully in his hands when everything seems to fell apart and when I wanted assurance that everything will be fine.

But isn’t that trust? Believing that whatever the outcome may be, whether good or bad, that the outcome will be a part of his greater plan. Having the faith that it’ll be perfect in the end.

Proverbs 3:5

.....................................

I’ve always feared failure. Not that people would look down on me, but I feared I would disappoint the people who love me. No matter how much they say, “it’s okay as long as you tried” it didn’t console me but rather gave me pressure. When my SAT results came out, it got worst, I felt I was stupid, I’ve let my parents down, let everyone’s anticipation down.

But when I went to youth camp, the pastor said failure is when we do not follow God’s calling. That statement hit me hard in my heart; God’s definition of failure isn’t the same as our worldly definition.

.....................................

In another sermon, a pastor said how our fear limits and set up boundaries for our freedom. It reminded me how often I avoided socializing or speaking because I was scared. How often I let my doubts and fears of failure took control over me and how often I tried to keep myself safe from hurting myself but returning to exact spot once more. I realized that I need to fight my fears although there are possibilities I might fail,  I need to stop waiting for things to change around me instead of waiting for things to change in my comfort zone, I need to start stepping outside my box. Be brave.

.....................................

Friendship.

One of the greatest gifts God has given me this year is friends.

I’ve gained great friendships that I never imagined I could have. I was once that girl who had no guy friends, like NO guy friends, I am not even joking. I’ve built up my own walls and became cautious about letting new people in for many years. Until this year, through a simple English class and with a group of affable classmates, I began to tear down the walls and started actually making new friends.

More friends also indicate more drama. Although as a homeschooler, I've been able to avoid some of them and I thought I was able to avoid them all. Well, the truth is nope, you don't get to avoid those dramas just because you get to stay home all the time. I am not going to lie; there had been conflicts and struggles. But whenever I felt insignificant and forgotten, God always find a way to throw me proofs in my face how people care about me.

|| STEPPING INTO THE UNKNOWN

final thoughts in 2018

As I look into 2019, I realize I have a half year left before I’m off to a completely new adventure. Leaving my families, people I knew for years, and the city I grew up, these thoughts terrified me. I’ve been trying to dismiss the thought of graduating and leaving because it always brought tears into my eyes. But time will keep going on, soon it’ll be around the corner, and I won’t be able to avoid it then. I suppose it is time to prepare myself for all the goodbyes I’ll be facing rather than shoving away saying that I still have time.

Also, God has drawn my heart to middle schoolers at youth group. While I am not sure what could I do or how would I do to influence them and answer God's calling, that’s definitely something I have in my mind this coming year and I will be praying about that.

Thank you, my family, for supporting me no matter what.
Thank you, my friends, for all the fun memories and laughter we shared.
Thank you, my readers, for encouraging me to keep blogging. 
Thank you for everyone who was with me in 2018, it wouldn't have been the same without you all. 

In this 2019, Lord, help me keep creating, dreaming, praying, and chasing after you no matter what.

2019, here we go.