January in Review

And there it goes. The first month of the year. Gone.

|| THE WORDS

what I’ve been writing and some quotes I love

go away, go away, go away I whispers

the noise, the sounds, the chatter devours me

I tuck myself in the corner but it still haunts me

heart beats fast and tears roll in my eyes

my hands trembles, my head’s buried in my arms

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Tears roll down her Fluffy face

Why doesn’t her friends want to see this view with Fluffy?

Tears blur the view, what’s the point of enjoying a lovely view alone?

Then a soft voice asks, “Why are you crying little alpaca?”

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A quote from the book I was reading:
"If all the world hated you, and believed you wicked, while your own conscience approved you, and absolved you from guilt, you would not be without friends." - Jane Eyre

||THE ARTS

some artsy things I did

I did take some photos, but I haven't done much on the art side as in painting, drawing, etc. Speaking of which, it now makes me feel slightly guilty for not doing much drawing... I'll try to take more photos this coming month and do some more arts XP

|| THE PONDERING

what I’ve been thinking about

Toxic relationships
So this topic was actually brought up in our youth small group the other night. People were discussing regarding how to deal the toxic person. However, I feel like a toxic relationship does not necessarily mean there exists a toxic person, who intends to hurt someone maliciously, that cause the toxic relationship. Because in my opinion, if a relationship is causing me to look down on myself, discourage myself, even if that person is not mean or sarcastic, that is a toxic relationship. A toxic relationship can happen between a seemingly loving and caring relationship, and I know because I am in one.
I realized it was a toxic relationship because I finally noticed the reason that I felt drained and tired afterward we were engaged in a "conversation" was that it constantly reminded me how I am unable to do something while everyone else can. How "useless" I am, and how unnoticed I am. That "person" was not mean, not malicious, but more cordial and affable, but I was often more drained than I was energized. Do not get me wrong, however, by all means, I do not mean you should not criticize me, I just think that a toxic relationship may not be that apparent as most people think.

Another day I just felt people left me out intentionally, although of course, it wasn’t intentional. I suddenly wanted to leave this place as fast as I can. I was sick of this community where everyone knows each other but is indifferent about each other. I ended up crying before my desk as I felt insignificant. I wanted to go away and start all new. Although they didn’t mean it, I was hurt. ANYWAY After I settled my emotions down, I began pondering that I actually I still have some time to cultivate and strength the relationships I have on hand, start influencing others, and begin new relationships. Maybe, in this short time I have left before college, I would be able to show other care and His love. Time to step outside my comfort zone, but will I be able to do so?

I was talking with my friend the other day and she said it seemed like my spiritual gift is merciful. And that gave me a completely new insight of myself. Although I do try not to be judgemental to others and be forgiving (or at least try to) because I believe everyone has a backstory that I may not know. I never thought myself as merciful, which is an interesting word choice. God gives different people different spiritual gifts, and she said at this moment God might be wanting to utilize me rather than others in that situation. I’m still thinking and praying about it. 

I've also realized how I mirror how people communicate. If a person is always nice and sweet, I would be so. If a person is mean and sarcastic, I would gradually be sarcastic as well. It has been terrorizing for me to see how I can become such contradictory characters when I talk to different people. I began wondering whether does that make me fake. Then who is the real me? The nice Rose or the mean Rose? My sister, however, vetoed the fact that I was being fake, she said that I am merely trying to be compatible in different relationships. Well am I trying to be compatible or am I just wearing another mask? I truly do not know the answer to that.

|| THE SONGS

what music I have been listening to

I haven't listened to a lot of new songs but here are a few I've enjoyed this month.

Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard 
just feel like this is a really cute, couple-ly, love song.

Psalm 46 - Shane & Shane
"You will lead us/ through the fiercest battle" It's such an assurance isn't it?

dayfly - DEAN 
A really chill song.

|| THE SPARKLES

some small things I’ve been enjoying and the memories

A super chill new year with my friends

Lunch with Estherrr.

Playing hide-and-seek in IKEA

Two days trip to Chongli for snowboarding with my family

Suprise birthday party for Sophia

Hilarious scavenger hunt at Zach's birthday party

Visiting Sophia and just chilling with this amazing human being

Brunch at a leader's house and a chill morning playing board games

going out at night to grab an ice cream and actually getting a stuff animal from the claw machine

ice skating at Houhai with friends

|| THE DOINGS

what I’ve been up to this month

So. What have I've been up to this month?
First, I've finished pretty much all my college applications way back before January 1st and sent the last application around January 10th. Now, I'm just waiting for college results, and hopefully, some interviews would start rolling their way in as well. 
I'm still quite anxious because while I do believe God will provide a place, I still fear slightly where would I end up.

This year, I wanted to begin actually growing my Youtube channel, so I have been working on that a little. Due to all the crazy things that go on in my life, I decided to only post two videos each month. My goal is to at least reach 50 subscribers by the end of this year, if I do not reach that goal, I feel like there's no particular reason to continue doing it. However, I must say, making videos are pretty fun. My dear readers, make sure to check out my youtube channel as well! (hint hint)

I was able to have some one-on-one conversations with several of my friends, which I appreciated greatly. Most of the times we simply meet in a group setting, but when I meet them on one-on-one, it makes it easier to have deeper conversations.

||THE FUTURE

what I plan (or at least try) to do in the upcoming month

Ah, February. 

I’m mortified at how fast the time is going by.  

Back to the point, I’m simply planning to upload two videos on YouTube this coming month, work on my serial story, draw some sketches, focus on school well, and step out my comfort zone a little. And hopefully, some college interviews would seriously start to roll in. 

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So that was my overthinking January, I apologize for the awfully long pondering section. I hope you guys enjoyed it nevertheless!